please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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