Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
