omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was CRYING into my vagina
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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