I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
