When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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