You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Randomize
