the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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