Yo dont text me then not text me
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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