Duck Duck Cougar?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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