i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
