Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
