Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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