i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
