she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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