best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
