you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
