yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
