My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
