so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
