Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
