Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
