I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
