You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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