I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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