I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
