I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
