Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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