you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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