omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
