they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
