I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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