Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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