puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
