dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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