the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
