Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
