I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize