six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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