Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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