So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
