The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
