you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize