You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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