Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we're making bets on your personal life
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
