Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
