I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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