these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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