I need to stop coming to work sober
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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