history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
