is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
