I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
