Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
