Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Randomize
