it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
