Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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