I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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