your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
