The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
