I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
