The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
