My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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