mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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